We're slowly making our way through the "paperchasing" phase of this adoption. No, it's not any easier the 3rd time (except I know the lingo), and yes, we have to do everything the same as if it were our first time. It takes forever, especially when you have a face to go with the child you are trying to get to!
I'm a member of some groups of waiting adoptive families and this song came across one of the news feeds today. It's an older song, but I had never heard it. There is a line in the song that says " When we cannot see you moving, and it seems the dark has won, may you find us still believing, you want this more than us..." As we trudge through this process of adopting...again, it feels like every obstacle, every hurdle, every doubt that creeps in, is a reason to quit. Some days I feel like bargaining with God, "We've adopted twice... We donate money to care for orphans... We support adopting families..." There are days when, as the song says, "...it seems the dark has won..." and I question our path. It doesn't take me long to remember that it's not about me, it's not about my doubt or fear, it's not even about a child needing a family. It's about a God who doesn't NEED me, but WANTS me to fully trust. Period.
After adopting Lyla I found myself quite proud of our "faith." I mean, we adopted an "older" child, and disrupted the birth order in our family...because God asked us to (pats self on back). That was a big leap, we really put ourselves out there. (Hear sarcasm) Um, wrong again, dumb lady! THIS is a bigger leap for reasons very different than our previous adoption. I'm scared, sometimes to the point of tears. And I have a feeling God hasn't asked all He will ask of me, yet.
A book that challenged Kevin and I, to our core, was Crazy Love by Francis Chan. In it he says, “He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through.” I'm not going to claim that this is how we live, but it is something we strive for. We all have been in situations that if God didn't show up we'd be in trouble, but to live unafraid of those situations, and in fact choose to put yourself there is completely different.
So, as we wait for God to bring Max home, I can only hope that He will use this time to teach me to be unafraid and to trust completely, because I already know we're in trouble if He doesn't come through!
